Who’s on First: Microsoft version

OK, I know I usually address some pretty serious topics here, but just wanted to have some fun…..
(I am sure there are many variations of this out there, but here’s my version)

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

(TOM is a not-so-tech-savvy customer calling the computer salesperson, ABBOT)

ABBOTT: Hello! Computer Store! Can I help you?
TOM: Thanks. I am setting up an office in my home and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
TOM: No, the name’s TOM.
ABBOTT: I meant your computer?
TOM: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
TOM: no, it’s TOM.
ABBOTT: You want Windows?
TOM: You mean in my office?
ABBOTT: Yes, do you want a computer with Windows?
TOM: No, I want a room with windows. And I want a computer in the office on the desk.
ABBOTT: Do you want virus protection?
TOM: For me? You mean like a shot?
ABBOTT: No, for your computer. In case you leave Windows open. Your computer can get a virus
TOM: My computer can get sick if I leave the window open?
ABBOTT: Yes, if it gets a bug. And if does get a bug, it might crash.
TOM: A bug will crawl inside my computer and cause it to crash on the floor?
ABBOTT: No, Windows will crash on your desktop. Just make sure to close Windows
TOM: In the office?
ABBOTT: Yes, in your office while sitting in your chair
TOM: But I cannot reach the windows from the chair
ABBOTT: Is the computer not going to be on your desktop in front of you?
TOM: Yes it is. Ok, fine. Look. After I close the windows by standing on the desktop, can I lock the windows?
ABBOTT: Yes, but you’ll need a password to unlock Windows.
TOM: Can’t I just use my hand to unlock the lock on the windows?
ABBOTT: Well, you’ll use your hand to type the password
TOM: On my window?
ABBOTT: Yes, in Windows, but don’t tell anyone your password
TOM: What if it gets HOT and they want to open windows?
ABBOTT: Oh, there’s a fan in your computer to keep it from overheating
Tom: Wow. So, my windows are connected to my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes
TOM: Cool.
ABBOTT: Sir, I am setting up your computer now. What pictures do you want for your wallpaper?
TOM: You mean the wallpaper on my walls in my office? Thanks anyway, we are going to just paint the wallpaper.
ABBOTT: You mean with Microsoft Paint?
TOM: Microsoft sells paint?
ABBOTT: No, it comes free with your computer.
TOM: Cool. On the new computer, I need something I can use to write proposals and run my business. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: Office
TOM: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
TOM: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
TOM: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
TOM: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
TOM: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
TOM: Yes…..I said Yes…. for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
TOM: Of course my office has windows. We’ve gone over this.
ABBOTT: No, I recommended Windows for your computer with Office.
TOM: the computer in my office?
ABBOT: No, Office is in your computer. Just click on it.
TOM: With my finger?
ABBOTT: No, with the mouse.
TOM: A mouse is used to click things? Do I keep it in a cage?
ABBOTT: No, it will stay by your computer
TOM: Do I buy it at PetSmart? Do I have to feed it?
ABBOTT: No. It also comes with your computer. Do NOT put food in it. It will die if you do.
TOM: Wow. OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
TOM: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
TOM: The only word in office is “office”.
ABBOTT: Word in Office for Windows.
TOM: Which word in “office for windows”?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
TOM: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start giving me some straight answers. Ok, look…..what about financial bookkeeping? You got anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Microsoft Money.
TOM: Microsoft prints money, too?
ABBOTT: No, they just put it in Windows.
TOM: So, I when I buy a computer, I get money?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. It comes bundled with your computer.
TOM: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
ABBOTT: Yep. But you only get one licensed copy. You can’t sell it
TOM: sell my money?
ABBOTT: Correct.
TOM: Ok, I won’t. OK, let’s just say I wanted to turn the whole thing off when I’m done. Do I just hit the power button?
ABBOTT: No, it will shut itself down by closing Windows
TOM: It will close the windows by itself? Wow. How does it do that?
ABBOTT: Just click the START button
TOM: You mean we click the START button in order to STOP it?
ABBOTT: Yes:
TOM: -CLICK-

About Doug Bergman

Head of Computer Science at Porter-Gaud School in Charleston, SC
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